Muddled Love; Contemplation of the Confused Heart
by Necia Celesti
Summary: .............Done at five in the morning with the energy of sleep deprivation and sugar....PG for maybe one or two curses. Based on a problem I had awhile ago, though now I'm not at all involved with either of the guys. *laughter* I'm amused by this.


"I'm so sorry! I'm just so sorry...I can't...I..." Lita stepped back, her emerald eyes pooling with shimmering tears. In frount of her stood the young man who had been her best friend in the entire world for as long as she could remember. He stood still, his dark hair ruffled, his matching eyes glinting with pain. Lita couldn't take it anymore- she shot out the door of his apartment.  
  
Outside, she looked back once at his apartment. She sniffed, running onward. She ran for what seemed like an eternity, thinking quiet, melancholey thoughts. Ken...He'd been by her side for ever since she could remember. He'd been there for her always. He was always there. Saying comforting things, lifting her up when she was down. How could this be happening? She could remember the pain in his eyes so clearly.  
  
Ken had confessed love to her. In the center of her heart, a warm glow had exploded from within her. She felt almost giddy, the very idea of him loving her. Being IN love with her...How?   
  
She opened her mouth to return his declaration of love, of wanting to be with him, when a realization hit her...Her boyfriend. Oh, how could this happen? She loved her boyfriend very deeply...and yet, she loved Ken, too. Ken was rooted in her heart, he was closer to her than almost anyone. She couldn't bear to hurt him...God...  
  
She had cleared her throat, concentrating on the ground. "Oh, Ken...You know I care about you, too...God, what am I doing I love you, but no, that's not a good thing. Ken...I thought you knew I had a boyfriend..." she could swear she heard a ripping sound come from his direction. She knew pain was filtering through his eyes.  
  
"Oh..." he whispered quietly, "I'm sorry, Lita...Just forget I said anything...It's not like it's important..."  
  
Lita recolected feeling like she would explode, "But it does matter! How can you even ask me to forget something like that?! Don't you see? This changes EVERYTHING!" Hot tears had begun to spill at this point. "This changes the whole dynamic of this relationship I have with you! Don't you see, you've just turned my whole world upside down?! Ken, I love you, I love you so much. But I love my boyfriend, too...I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to hurt you...God..." She put her hands to her face, covering her tear-stained cheeks.   
  
Ken had remained silent, looking at the ground. Every detail of his reaction was etched in her memory. That look of sadness in his eyes would probably never leave her being.  
  
Lita sniffed as she reached the beach. She walked down the sandy dunes towards the shoreline. She sat delicately on the cool sand. The moon was high above, shining full and brightly. She slipped off her sneakers, setting them to the side, letting the sand shift between her toes. She tucked her knees to her chest, arms around her legs. As she stared out at the vast, blue sea, her mind drifted...  
  
"Ken..." she mused aloud, "Look what you've done to me...Silly girl, I am...Letting a guy do this to me. Geez, and isn't it typical I end up on the damn beach staring at the moon like a heart-broken fool?! What am I even doing here, sitting here sobbing and feeling sorry... Sorry for myself, sorry for him. Why should I feel sorry for myself?! Exactly, I shouldn't. I'm the one hurting him. God damn it..." She clutched her arms tighter about her legs, growling quietly.   
  
"What am I doing? I love him...I love him so much...Ken's so important to me...Why do I have to hurt him? Why does this have to happen?! Who am I *IN* love with?! GOD!" She jumped up, letting loose a screech, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHY DON'T I KNOW WHO I REALLY WANT?! WHY CAN'T I FIGURE OUT WHO I REALLY WANT?! AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" She kicked the sand, beginning to pace in circles.  
  
"God...now I bet Ken thinks I think he's stupid for admitting he loves me..." She sighed heavily, keeling over in the sand. "I wonder if he can see it...I think I'm in love with him...But there's that key word. Think. Why don't I know? Then him...God, that boyfriend of mine. I love him, too...I love him dearly, he's so close to my heart. I think I'm in love with him, too."  
  
She continued, rolling over on her stomache, staring into the ocean again. "But again, that key word strikes me. Think. Gah, thinking sucks. Knowing would be so much better...Knowing would make things so much easier. But, I guess it's not supposed to be easy...Heh, love...You torture me."  
  
The silent, confused melody of Lita's drumming heartstrings hummed within her. She knew, somewhere within her, she had to make a choice. With that choice, someone would most likely get hurt... But she didn't want to hurt anybody. What was she supposed to do?   
  
Lita cinched her eyes tightly shut, trying to shut out all these thoughts of love, confusion, and men. Within her mind the image of Ken, sitting alone at home, maybe thinking the same thoughts she was....  
  
She shook her head to clear it. But still, then the image of Ken's hurt eyes came back to her. Haunting her. She sighed, staring back at the tattooed imaged of his eyes with her mind's eye.   
  
Lita shivered as a cool sea breeze washed over her. Within her very soul she burned. She opened her eyes, new tears springing from the sparkling emeralds.   
  
"I didn't mean to fall in love..." 


End file.
